Sunday, September 26, 2010


I read this the other day in our local paper regarding stink bugs.

"This is the vanguard," said University of Maryland entomologist and extension specialist Mike Raupp. "I think this is going to be biblical this year," he said wryly. "You're going the hear a collective wail in the Washington area, up through {Maryland's} Frederick and Allegheny counties, like you've never heard before. The {bug} populations are just through the ceiling."

My first thought was that I am totally unprepared to handle a biblical plague of anything, not even Smurfs or Care Bears, let alone insects. As far as I know, the only folks with any experience in dealing with this sort of thing are Egyptians. Unfortunately, I don't know any around these parts.

My second thought was "WTF God? What the hell did we do to deserve a biblical plague?" I mean correct me if I'm wrong (might have to go out and purchase a bible for this), but biblical plagues are typically reserved for the crimes of attempted angel sodomy and forcing Jews to do manual labor.

Far as I know, Pittsburghers haven't been up to either.

So I have to conclude that God is just being a bit of a douche for no good reason. Either that, or the big guy's just firing off plagues willy-nilly. And that is totally not responsible.

Not cool God. Not cool at all.

The only thing I can figure, is that maybe he's punishing us for our quarterback debacle?

"For too long thou hast forsaken my choice, the humble Charlie Batch who is as underrated as he is really just a little too old for the game. Now thou shalt verily know my wrath when you find foul odored insects hiding out in your medicine cabinet. Verily indeedeth, thou shall be terribly cheesed off. And your toothpaste will smell like feet. So there."

If it makes any difference in soothing divine rage, I for one, would like to say that I am totally opposed to angel rape.

1 comment:

  1. If Pittsburgh had recognized Charlie Batch from the get-go we wouldn't be having this problem.