In fairness, I probably wouldn't even be THE BEST UNCLE EVER if it weren't for the hard work of my sister and brother in law. They really came through in the end. Granted neither of them gets to be THE BEST UNCLE EVER but I'm told that birth and parenting are somewhat important to the process as well. Well done, Sarah and Ned! I couldn't have done it without you!
I'd also like to thank THE ENTIRELY NEW BABY HUMAN WHO IS ALREADY EXHIBITING MYSTERIOUS POWERS AS WELL AS A PROFOUND INTELLECT for having the good sense to be born on such a convenient day. Though I am THE BEST UNCLE EVER, I have to admit that I'm also infamous for forgetting things like birthdays. I would imagine that it will be difficult for me to forget a purely superior date like 1/11/11. Translated from the binary, THE ENTIRELY NEW BABY HUMAN WHO IS BENDING SPOONS WITH HER MIND WHILE SOLVING COMPLICATED MATH PROBLEMS birthday works out to "Yes. Yes. Of course. Indeed. Agreed." That's a date I think I'll recall.
As THE BEST UNCLE EVER, I think it makes sense to share some of my profound knowledge of babies. Though THE ENTIRELY NEW BABY HUMAN WHO HAS JUST BUILT A PERPETUAL MOTION DEVICE IN HER BASSINET is by no means an average, boring, slightly used baby human, these generalizations provided by America's favorite almacker, John Hodgman, may prove to be of some use:
- A baby born with teeth will be a financial success...EVEN WHILE HE IS STILL A BABY.
- A baby who is made to wear false teeth will be a financial failure...SO DON'T BOTHER. Trust me: It doesn't work.
- A baby born with a fever will become a blacksmith.
- A baby who smiles at himself in the mirror will become an actor. If he was also born with teeth, you can go ahead and retire. BUT I WARN YOU: You have a very scary baby.
- A baby who frowns at himself in the mirror will become a writer.
- A baby who hates himself in the mirror will become a writer of short stories.
- A baby born with clothes on will be no trouble at all.
- A baby born with tiger's eyes will either become a famous boxer or the Antichrist.
REMEMBER: A baby only cries when another baby, somewhere in the world, is silent.
So congratulations Sarah and Ned! Congratulations as well to THE ENTIRELY NEW BABY HUMAN WHOSE MIND HAS ALREADY LOOKED INTO THE DARKEST RECESSES OF HUMANITY'S SOUL AND FOUND US LACKING!
But for real: Mostly congratulations to me!!! THE BEST UNCLE EVER!