In Which Your Author Reveals a Horrible Secret

I have somewhat evil tendencies with regards to one thing. But it's totally not my fault. Not my fault at all. 

When I was in 8th grade, I read the somewhat infamous "Jerry Cornelius" books by Michael Moorcock.

And I blame them for everything.

Every weird twitch of my personality, every strange notion that rattles round my head like a drunken hedgehog rolled in a ball, they're all the fault of the "Jerry Cornelius" books.

Well, perhaps everything isn't to blame on them but one thing most certainly is: My longstanding obsession with getting a panda skin coat.There's a scene in one of the books where Jerry, in order to avoid being detected by a horribly gluttonous bishop, disguises himself by wearing a huge turban and a panda skin coat. I read this as a snotty nosed kid wearing a Bugle Boy t-shirt (it's probably before your time), and thought: "Now that's fashion! How can I have such a wondrous thing!"

Sadly, reality chose to interject itself between a young man and his dreams. Beyond the issues of cost and legality (I refuse to accept arguments of morality. Pandas are in fact, ill tempered and lazy brutes, notorious for nearly non-stop bowel movements. They should feel honored that I want to wear them, the filthy beasts.), there is the question of design. Specifically, shall I leave the head on or off? And if on, should it come up over my head like a hood? With the ears and everything?

I'd given up all hope until I discovered this precious, little critter! Now the fires of evil fashion have been lit in my breast anew! I've always maintained that I would accept no substitute for actual panda skin but as I've grown older and more realistic, I've conceded that I might have to be flexible on this.

Sadly, I gather that they are quite small. And evidently there are but a few of them out there. I may require all of them for my sartorial needs.