Sunday, May 22, 2011

A Rapturous Rapture

Sorry about the spotty posting today, I was raptured.

I'm sure you can imagine that as an atheist, this took me completely by surprise. It was more than a little inconvenient being transported from my job to the eternal city of Heaven. Need I even mention that it occurred during my dinner break??? My meatloaf went completely to waste. I'm hoping my friend Mike had the sense to set my clothes and shoes someplace safe after I vanished out of them. I also hope that being abducted by God is considered a viable reason for leaving in the middle of a shift. I just hope I get my job back.

So how was Heaven? Pretty nice I guess. Sort of reminded me of a suburb outside of Columbus, OH. Naturally, the major difference was that everyone there was naked. I'm not sure why everyone had to leave their clothes behind but who am I to question? Oh, and we all got balloons. It was pretty festive.

I'm sure you're all wondering: God was just lovely. Really, just a class act. I have to say though, he's not quite what I was expecting. He looks like a rock with feathers. He performs a magic show every Sunday and let me tell you! It is not to be missed!

Clearly, an angel.
Oh and there are like a million angels! And they're all super-helpful; they have kiosks set up all over the place and are always willing to give directions if you get lost trying to find the convenience store (don't buy the hotdogs. Heaven's hotdogs are crap). Also, they all look like David Lee Roth. Again, who am I to question.

One disappointment: Not everyone gets a mansion. Most people just get ranch houses. It's probably for the best. It keeps the housing market from getting over-heated.

Anyways, I'm off to the magic show. This week, God is going to do his famous act where he makes 200 million people not disappear.

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