Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Morning Blog

It looks as though the peccadilloes of Dominique Strauss-Kahn will be devouring the news cycle for the next few days so we might as well take a gander. The judge has ruled that he's a flight risk and denied the IMF chief bail. Given that he was arrested aboard a flight bound for France...Well, that seems reasonable. He now claims that he left the hotel in a hurry in order to make a lunch date. I realize that the IMF has been pushing for austerity measures but really...A lunch date aboard a plane? Have things gotten so severe that international bureaucrats must now feast upon airline fare?

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has outlined the conditions under which he would accept the formation of a Palestinian state. Unfortunately, one of the conditions is that the Israeli government won't accept half of the Palestinian government so it's somewhat less than palatable to any Palestinian negotiators. This is not to say that Israel shouldn't have reservations about having relationships with Hamas (who obviously; HATE, HATE, HATE Israel). However, the negotiations are going to remain indefinitely still-born if the first condition is "We're not talking to you". I maintain that the responsibilities of governing, particularly when it comes to receiving aid from the West, will inevitably force Hamas to moderate their positions.

While I'm at it, I'd like to maintain that this planet being scrutinized by the French is doubtlessly populated with sexy, green skinned women with ray guns and anti-gravity shoes. GET TO IT, SCIENCE!

OMG! BFFs no more! Does this mean that the US won't be invited to Pakistan's sweet 16? To Facebook with haste! We must write something snarky on Pakistan's wall! At once! At once! To the ramparts!

In more optimistic news, African Union forces continue their push against the Somali insurgents! Peace is just around the corner in poor, troubled Somalia now that the brave soldiers of the AU have seized not only a building...but also a former army base and an entire street! The tide at last is turning and everything will be wonderful. Forever.


Seeing as how the drug war has failed miserably, the government might as well get started gearing up its SWAT teams for the coming battle against black market hair. Everyone can now look forward to being robbed by muggers carrying scissors.

Enough. Seriously, enough already. Just stop talking about it. Please. I'm begging you. Give it a rest. This is actually of greater import. Right now, some hugely muscled infant is running rampant through the wilds of California. And it looks like this!!!

In other news of the terrible: I guess this is actually pretty good news. But honestly, are there two more terrifying words to read than "rib spreader"?

Eagle-eyed Senator James Inhofe (R) has identified the chief problem with Guantanamo Bay. It isn't that it's a black-eye for the United States on the international stage. It isn't that the idea of indefinite detentions without trial raises serious questions about the conflict between security needs and American concepts of jurisprudence and justice. Allegations of torture? A niggling concern at best. No, no. The biggest problem with Guantanamo Bay: Clearly, it's the fatties.

But not all Republicans are morons. Charles Barkley for example has a few things to say now that Phoenix Suns president Rick Welts opted to come out of the closet over the weekend. Specifically, he's a bit tired of being told that athletes are genetically predisposed towards homophobia:

“I really like ESPN,” Barkley added. “They do a great job. But like once every two or three months, they bring all these people on there, and they tell me how me and my team are going to respond to a gay guy.

“First of all, every player has played with gay guys. It bothers me when I hear these reporters and jocks get on TV and say, ‘Oh, no guy can come out in a team sport. These guys would go crazy.’ First of all, quit telling me what I think. I’d rather have a gay guy who can play than a straight guy who can’t play.”

He continues with your quote of the day:

“Any professional athlete who gets on TV or radio and says he never played with a gay guy is a stone-freakin’ idiot.”

In a surprise to no one... But is this necessarily a bad thing? I can certainly think of worst things for our diplomats to be obsessed with than energy security. It's an ugly fact but seriously, access to oil is pretty important.

In other foreign policy news, it's high time the US crank up the pressure on the Chinese. They're clearly developing Weapons of Mass Deliciousness.

2012 Watch: Goodbye Huck. Goodbye Trump (and thanks for all the laughs!) Goodbye...

Ten gallon hats may have been around a lot longer than you think.

Protect the squirrels!

Torture the geese!

Wear a tinfoil hat!

With regards to that last link, I would direct readers that are truly interested in what actually happened to JFK and Elvis Presley to the excellent documentary: Bubba Ho-tep.

One more conspiracy theory just for the fun of it.

What the hell... a few more.

Build your house of straw? The Three Little Pigs were unavailable for comment.

Makes sense I guess. Certainly, they couldn't name her "Tweet". Everyone knows that's a boys name.

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